things I have absolutely no interest in

• cilantro.  If you secretly hate me but are having trouble telling me never to darken your doorstep again, start decorating/cooking/smoking this vile weed.
• nice cars.  Meh.  I’ve owned a Topaz and a Buick Regal.  Neither of them have gotten me laid.  Not that I’m looking, but a proposition is always flattering.
• Vampire phenomena.
• Owing a Blackberry/iphone/ipad, etc.  I have enough of a problem incessantly checking Facebook from my house.  I can’t even IMAGINE if I had to carry it with me all day.  I think I’m about 5 years too late for Generation Text.  I rather enjoy not being “accessible” at every waking moment.  Does anyone else remember when society wasn’t connected 24/7?  I do, and I liked it.  A LOT.
• nascar.  Um, hi - just watch the last 5 minutes of the race.  You can watch the fiery crashes tomorrow on the highlight reel.
• how many trips you’re going on this year.  Are we in some sort of competition?  ‘Cause you will ALWAYS win.  Your number will be more than MY ZERO TRIPS.
• owing a dog.  I really love dogs.  But I’m also really too lazy to care for one. 
• blow-drying my hair.  I go to work, and to Wal-Mart.  Who am I trying to impress?  
• country music.  Go ahead, pick a country song.  I’m 99% sure it will make me cry.  They’re all just sooooo depressing!
• mocktails.  What the fuck’s the point?