1. The Phoenix, she has riz’n

    Oh, hi there!  I didn’t see you standing so close to me.  If I had, I would have shouted some The Police lyrics at yo’ ass.  I know what you’re going to say - “Where in the GD hell is the new blog fodder?!”  Honestly, internet?  It’s all just kicking around in my increasingly-tiny brain, waiting for me to plant my arse in a chair for more than 15 minutes at a time.  Problems?  1) I can’t blog and eat.  I’m sloppy enough as it is, and Dell is going to KICK MY ASS if I ask for another computer.  2) I can’t blog and watch Special Agent Oso.  I’m not sure what kind of a bear he is, but dude is INTRIGUING!  3) I can’t blog while I’m at work.  I’m sure I’d end up accidentally CTRL+P’ing my post into some poor woman’s stapled anoplasty report, and THEN WOULDN’T MY FACE BE RED?  Not as red as her ano, though.  Seriously.  Ow.

    Anyway, life around our house has gotten increasingly more interesting.  The older Hayden gets, the more he says shit that baffles me.  “Who can we call to bring us some donuts?”, for example.  (I know - he wants donuts, but isn’t willing to go out and get them himself.  Don’t lecture me about childhood obesity, m’kay?)  Aunt Britt ended up helping us out with that one.  Which brings about another “quirk” that this child possesses - KID IS SCARED OF EV-E-RY-THING.  At two-and-a-half, I expect him to be scared of certain things.  The dark - Why not? I know ADULTS who are pansies about the dark.   Loud noises?  Sure, Mommy will give you a hug for that one.  But the JELLY INSIDE OF A JELLY DONUT?  Yeah, that doesn’t warrant a “scary” rating.  Is it the way it oozes on outta there?  That you don’t want to get your hands sticky?  Poor Aunt Britt…all she was trying to do was help and she ended up bring over scary-ass donuts. 

    While we’re on the topic of phobias, what in hell is up with “the potty”?  Hayden has been wary of the potty since the day we brought it home.  And it doesn’t even have graphics of jelly donuts emblazoned on it!  Just plain ol’ blue and green.  He’ll sit on it with his pants on, but won’t pull them down.  Oh, and HE KNOWS when he’s “going” or when its TIME to go.  He’ll stand in the living and state to me “Mommy, I’m tryin’ to poop, and you will change it later.”  Kid can conjugate a verb and use the proper tense and pronoun, but he refuses to pee into a plastic toilet.  I’m HOPING it’s just a phase, and that summer will bring us the opportunity to put him in big boy underwear and run around outside - I’ll send out “Save The Date” cards so y’all can come watch!  I’m really not all that stressed about it, so long as he’s compliant at SOME point.  I don’t think Pampers makes Easy-Ups in “Tween” size.

    In short, Hayden’s the maximum amount of fun and entertainment one would require in a day.  And he’s available for playdates and bar mitzvahs!

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