1. Helping a sistah out: the holiday edition

    So.  The holidays are kinda stressful, no?  Trying to budget for your child’s request for a llama, and then trying to find accommodations for said llama.  Attempting to look interested and festive at your office Christmas party when you’d really rather be at home with Snooki and your substance of choice (clove cigarettes, Ben and Jerry’s, Salvia).  Or (my personal fave) resisting the primal urge to punch the general public in their collective faces while trying to accomplish a few retail tasks.  Peeps tend to become extra douchy around this time of year, which makes my head extra explode-y.  Here are some tips on how to keep my head from exploding:

    • I understand your metabolic NEED to be attached to your mobile phone at all times.  I don’t even mind if you text while shopping, if you have a big merger in the works or something.  Please find a bench to sit on, or cram yourself into a quiet corner for a moment.  DO NOT stand in the narrow entryway to a retail store and text.  DO NOT send a text while the cashier is asking you to enter your pin number.  DO NOT send a text while at the sink in a public washroom.  I’ll be paranoid that you’re OMGing about how I didn’t lather for a full 20 seconds, but I’m sure you’ll probably just be talking about how many times in succession you watched that newly-released sparkly vampire movie.
    • Please give your holiday retail employees more than 15 minutes of training before throwing them on a cash register at the city’s busiest store.  I pride myself on being an extremely patient person, and have a special empathy for cashiers, having worked in retail for 6 years myself.  However, I’m certain smoke was pouring out of each of my orifices the other day when it took a cashier close to 15 minutes to ring in the ten items that I had.  She obviously was never shown how to ring through produce (i.e. took each of my apples OUT OF THE BAG to put on the scale and then did not know what to do), and she looked at the $2-dollar-off coupon I handed her like it was one of the Dead Sea scrolls.  Hayden was totes giving this lady the side-eye by the time we left.  So, do us all a favour and spring for a WHOLE DAY of rigorous training.  Your cashiers will get lychee fruit thrown at them A LOT LESS.
    • Make a damn list!  Don’t stand in the baking aisle on your cell phone and ask “Do we need walnuts?  Are you sure?  I can wait while you go check.  What about (moves to next product on the shelf)?”  For the love of God!
    • Only bring as many kids to a busy retail outlet as you can handle.  While Hayden was playing Thomas The Tank Engine at Chapter’s the other day, I witnessed a mother of two lose her 18-month-old among the bookshelves THREE TIMES.  And we were only there for 20 minutes!  Unless you’ve installed a chip in each of them, STEP UP YO’ GAME, BITCH!
    • Don’t drive your Ford F-150 around a crowded parking lot until the spot next to the handicapped one opens up.  Unless you are recovering from a knee replacement or your haemorroids are acting up, you could probably easily walk for an extra 10 seconds.  You’re just being lazy and carbon footprint-y.
    • Don’t force your kid to sit on Santa’s knee.  If he’s old enough to form the sentence “I’d rather not sit on Kris Kringle’s lap this year, Mater, dear”, he should be exempt.  Now, babies are a different story altogether.  Screaming babies and Santa are particularly hilarious!

    Is it painfully obvious that I’m going to be 30 in a month?  I’m so effing crotchety these days!

    xoxo

    A.

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