January 2010
7 posts
Another Little Window Into My Rage
So, bumper stickers. WHAT THE FUCK, am I right?! Maybe I need to get some counselling for my rage, but when I encounter a car with a bumper sticker (or, more likely, with twelve), I have this sudden uncontrollable urge to lean on my horn and display a metacarpal. Or, depending on how caffeinated I happen to be, jump out of my car, climb through their sunroof and tear them a shiny, new orifice. ...
How To Annoy Me, AGAIN.
After what seemed like mere nanoseconds following THIS incident, decide that, YES, January 14 IS the perfect day to start pissing warm water all over the basement floor. At 5:30 in the morning. While my son is actually SLEEPING for once. Necessitating phone calls to your less-than-helpful hotline, my husband (at work) and my thankfully-handy father-in-law. YOU, hot water heater, can suck it.
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How To Annoy Me
After I pull over to the side of the Burger King drive-thru (to wait for a veggie burger, not my own), and I turn you off for JUST a second, give me a big ol’ “FUCK YOU” when I go to start you up again, necessitating a tow truck to pull me OUT of said Burger King drive-thru. You prick of a car, you. Not embarrassing BUT AT ALL.
Resolve THIS! (Insert groin clutch here.)
So. 2010, huh? Kind of sneaked up on us, didn’t it? A new decade, unless you’re one of those analytic shits that are going to tell me that the new decade doesn’t start until 2011. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Get a hobby.
Anyscrew.
I’m sure 99% of you started jotting down your 2010 resolutions on your Hello Kitty stationery just seconds after midnight, drunk out of your...
How To Charm Me
If you get up the gumption to actually walk on your own (which most times you’re too damn lazy to do), and no one happens to be looking at you at that exact moment, take tiny steps chanting “Good boy, good boy, good boy” until someone pays attention to your amazing feat of human kinetics. You’re SUCH an attention whore. But a squeezable one, so I’ll let it go.