December 2009
17 posts
My Life So Far (In One Hundred Words)
I recently came across an article in a year-old issue of Glamour magazine in which several well-known actresses, authoresses and comediennes summarized the secrets of their success in exactly 100 words. And although I’m not the hallmark of success, it piqued my interest and made me want to bore you all with 100 of my own words. (I’ll have to admit, I’m shitting cinder blocks...
How To Charm Me
Although you said you’d arrive around 7:30 a.m., show up at my house at 6:50 a.m. to whisk my child away to your house for the day, because I have to work. OHMYGOD, I get to put my makeup on BY MYSELF THIS MORNING! (Thanks, Nanny!)
Three More Sleeps
I realize that I haven’t posted anything of substance lately, but turns out that CHRISTMAS is at the end of this week. WHY THE SCREW DIDN’T ANYONE NOTIFY ME?! Granted, I’m all done my shopping/wrapping/baking. I loathe to leave it until the last minute, because that equals my loved ones receiving age-inappropriate gifts recycled from around my house (“So, you DON’T...
How To Annoy Me
While we’re away for the evening, piss all over the towels on the bathroom floor. JUST because we accidentally locked you in there?! HEL-LO….there’s a toilet in there! Stupid cat.
“He never got his picture on bubble gum cards, did he? Have you ever seen his...”
– Lucy Van Pelt (Peanuts) to Schroeder, on Ludwig von Beethoven. - A Charlie Brown Christmas
Thinking
Is anyone else TOTALLY OVER this Tiger Woods adultery shit? Did you re-HEALLY expect the world’s most ridiculously wealthy golfer NOT to have a harem? And might I add that they’re all Rumple Fugly? Like, with Lucite heels and obvious lip liner marks? Tiger, if you’re going to cheat, shouldn’t you be trading UP? For serious.
listening to "Tommy James and The Shondells -... →
What could be better than a song about losing your virginity in the grass?!
listening to "Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody" →
“Will you still love me when I’m in my ‘Hanging Out With Ravi Shankar’ phase?”Best. Movie. Eva.
How To Annoy Me
Have this conversation with me at Tim Horton’s drive-thru:
Me: “Hi, can I get a large steeped tea and a plain bagel, not toasted, with plain cream cheese?”
Worker: “Sure, do you want the bagel toasted?”
Me: “No thanks, NOT toasted, just regular.”
Worker: “Okay, that will be $3.67, pull up.”
And THEN? When I get to work? Those...
How To Charm Me
At bath time, when you’re poking at your genitalia and I say “That’s your penis. Can you say ‘Penis’?”, give it a tug and sputter “Peanut!” Close enough.
An Ode to Heated Leather Seats
So, as Josh was leaving this morning to go to work at RIDICULOUS O’CLOCK, he rouses me from sleep by whispering “It snowed last night”. That is the second worst way I could have been woken up, being a close runner-up to dumping a bucket of dead birds on my head while playing the Nickelback song of your choice on Repeat.
I don’t especially like winter. I was enjoying the...
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
– Henny Youngman - comedian, violinist.