August 2011
2 posts
Disclaimer
Friends! Please bear with me. This blog does indeed still exist and I’ll be posting some interesting things in the next short while. Trust me, there is a very reasonable explanation for my posting drought. No, I’m not living in the Big Brother house. And I’m PROBABLY not harvesting the organs of cadavers on the side.
Just be patient. I PROMISE it will be worth it. Or your...
July 2011
3 posts
Stay-Cay: For the lazy and destitute
So I’m going back to work tomorrow after 12 days off. “Summer holidays”, you might call them. I had a comprehensive list of things that I wanted to accomplish on my time off, and one might assume that 12 whole days would be ample time to make a dent in said list. Well, one MIGHT assume, but one MIGHT also not realize how good it feels to sleep in past 7:30 a.m. for the first...
June 2011
6 posts
his father will be SO proud
OMG.
This is the conversation I just had with Hayden. Please keep in mind that he’s 2.5 years of age.
Me: “Hey, you little scamp! Bring that back to me!” (after Hayden had just swiped the ice cream sandwich that we were SHARING from of the end table.)
Hayden: “Okayyyyyy.” (bringing dessert back to me)
Me, laughing: “You took that from me and hoped I...
How To Charm Me
On both Saturday and Sunday morning, during your first weekend off in eons, fetch the toddler who still wakes up at RIDICULOUS O’CLOCK and take him out to fetch coffee and breakfast fixings, leaving me at home ALONE for some “me” time. Sure, I basically just laid in bed for 10 extra minutes, then got up to pick up toys, feed the cat, etc., but it was GLORIOUS SOLITUDE.
You sure...
How To Charm Me
Ask me if we have a computer so you can “order Aunt Britt”. I know you love her, but she was only available on Ebay for a limited time. And the shipping costs would have been appalling! Let’s just buy a bottle of Malibu Rum and she’ll sniff her way back here in due course, m’kay?
May 2011
3 posts
How To Annoy Me
Whilst you’re “supposed” to be serving me at the drive-thru window, proceed to hoist your upper body halfway out said window to instruct your fellow McDonald’s employee, half a parking lot away, how to unlock your car. With the keys. “Yeah! I mean, put the key in and turn it to the left! No, no! The LEFT!”
I believe the “wrist-twisting” motions...
Promises, Promises
Daaaaaamn, Bitchez! It’s been a while, no? It’s too bad you all don’t live with me, to get your fix of comedic stylings and swears on the regular. I guess you’ll have to live with pining for me on the World Wide Web until I post something from time to time. OH, you could follow me on Twitter, if you want…where you only have to tolerate me for 140 characters...
April 2011
1 post
Dear Anonymous
You are not the first person to ever have been pregnant. People have indeed done this before you. I do not need to know about your flatus or how many toes are currently in your ribs. Unsolicited oversharing is obnoxious - you obviously need a blog.
Regards,
The Management
March 2011
4 posts
How To Charm Me
Upon viewing a television commercial starring one Heidi Klum, in all her flaxen-haired, immaculate-bodied glory, exclaim “That looks like Mommy!”
Yes! Yes it does, Hayden. Here, have another cookie. And please ignore your father laughing in the corner.
How To Annoy Me
Do your entire post-gym shower exfoliating/moisturizing routine buck naked, just because you can. Sure, you may be rockin’ it for a 40-year-old, but your bare ass came THISCLOSE to my face when you contorted to moisturize your calves. Put some damn underwear on!
February 2011
2 posts
The Phoenix, she has riz'n
Oh, hi there! I didn’t see you standing so close to me. If I had, I would have shouted some The Police lyrics at yo’ ass. I know what you’re going to say - “Where in the GD hell is the new blog fodder?!” Honestly, internet? It’s all just kicking around in my increasingly-tiny brain, waiting for me to plant my arse in a chair for more than 15 minutes at a...
January 2011
2 posts
Shallow Al
I’m pretty glad the Golden Globes are over. I didn’t watch the broadcast. I don’t even watch T.V.. I just wanted to see the pretty dresses. And maybe make fun of the people who were lookin’ a hot mess. Let’s face it - I can do all that the next day on D-Listed, and I don’t even have to listen to any celebrities deny who they’re sleeping with. TOO...
Thinking
Why do I love broccoli, but broccoli, in turn, doesn’t love ME? Unfair!
December 2010
7 posts
Quit Haagen
A recent exchange between our family of three while eating individual pints of Haagen-Dazs.
Hayden: “I have a bite of Mommy’s”.
Me: “One more bite and then that’s all for tonight.”
Hayden: “I have a bite of Daddy’s now.”
Josh: “You shouldn’t have too much of Daddy’s, buddy. It has coffee in it.”
Hayden, returning...
Helping a sistah out: the holiday edition
So. The holidays are kinda stressful, no? Trying to budget for your child’s request for a llama, and then trying to find accommodations for said llama. Attempting to look interested and festive at your office Christmas party when you’d really rather be at home with Snooki and your substance of choice (clove cigarettes, Ben and Jerry’s, Salvia). Or (my personal fave) resisting...
“I have a horrible feeling of doom about this gingerbread house.”
– Brittany Meeks, paranoid holiday baker.
Loss
Last week, I went for an ultrasound to date a pregnancy that was in its 10th week. We had only just told our immediate families a few days earlier that we were expecting, as what was the rush, really? When I was pregnant with Hayden, we told everyone super-early, as I was so ill I needed a really great excuse for trying not to puke all over them. This time, I asked them not to tell any...
How To Charm Me
When the spoonful of Haagen-Dazs that I was propelling from the carton to your waiting mouth drops onto the couch, look up at me and patiently respond with “Let’s try this again.” GOD, they’re making two-year-olds resilient these days!
Disclaimer
So, I haven’t posted in over a month. There are several good reasons for that, Scout’s honour. I’ll be blogging your faces off in the coming week. You’ve been warned.
October 2010
7 posts
Goin' ta Nanny's
Me: “Hayden, it’s time to go to Nanny’s. Go get your shoes.”
Him: “That’s a good idea!”
I love validation.
Thanking the crap out of this weekend
When this weekend rolls around every year, I find myself surrounded with an enormous amount of things to be thankful for. Josh and I got married on Thanksgiving weekend in 2006 (October 7), and found ourselves welcoming a baby boy to the world on Thanksgiving weekend two years later (October 10, 2008). Add THOSE earth-shattering events to the already innumerable reasons to celebrate on...
I don't know what to call this one
So.
Hayden has taken to calling my boobs the “Duke and Duchess”.
I wish I were kidding. Even my cleavage isn’t immune from the Thomas The Tank Engine vernacular. Hopefully this means that my chest would be much revered by all the peons in the land. That would be the best case scenario.
Strike that - the best case scenario would be if my toddler wasn’t obsessed...
How To Charm Me (The "Please Note The Sarcasm"...
Tell me how utterly bummed you are that you’ll be missing the first Leafs game of the season because you work overnights on Thursday. Oh, like, THIS Thursday? As in the same Thursday that is ALSO OUR ANNIVERSARY? The way you prioritize baffles me, my love.
September 2010
1 post
the post in which I give y'all lame excuses
So, turns out I suck at this “blogging on the regular” thing. I mean, two posts in July? Inexcusable, unless you’re suffering from some sort of finger gangrene. I really do apologize for being MIA (the acronym, not the chanteuse) the past couple of months. Here comes the part where I tell you what I’ve been up to and beg for your forgiveness, undying adoration, and any...
August 2010
4 posts
How To Charm Me
Memorize a skit from Sesame Street SO well that you can synchronize your “AH, AH, AH” laugh with The Count’s EVERY time. I mean, you were conceived in Transylvania, so it’s all starting to make sense now. (“23,200,230 little swimmers…AH-AH-AH!”)
How To Annoy Me
When Aunt Britt and I pretend to sit on your small plastic slide, vehemently shake your head, wave your arms and chant “Too fat! Too fat!” Ah, the old self-esteem is taking a kickin’ these days.
July 2010
7 posts
things I have absolutely no interest in
cilantro. If you secretly hate me but are having trouble telling me never to darken your doorstep again, start decorating/cooking/smoking this vile weed.
nice cars. Meh. I’ve owned a Topaz and a Buick Regal. Neither of them have gotten me laid. Not that I’m looking, but a proposition is always flattering.
Vampire phenomena.
Owing a Blackberry/iphone/ipad,...
How To Charm Me
From the desk next to me at work, lean over and whisper to me: “Can I ask you a question? How would you type “Eff you” in a report?” God, I love typing psych notes!
How To Annoy Me
Loudly point out the “generous” size of my lunch to our fellow diners. That was tactful of you.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
“Tara” Teresa Mary Harrison - there’s a whole lotta goodness in her name. Age? 29 and holding (and holding and holding). Sign? Libra. Favourite colour? Blue. It’s ALWAYS been blue.
Why is she Hot Slut Of The Day? This momma of one has a plethora of talents: teaching (and playing) piano; taking her younger cousins under her proverbial wing (ahem, drinking...
Embarrassing Things I Did This Week: Volume II
Had to make a SECOND “embarrassing things” list obscenely soon after the first edition. But is anyone really that surprised?
Lost Josh’s bank card sometime between picking up Swiss Chalet take-out and serving said Swiss Chalet. My allowance has now been cut off.
Wore Hayden’s tiny yellow hardhat while playing the bass in a Rock Band jam sesh with my brother and...
June 2010
9 posts
How To Annoy Me
While we’re on your bed playing, running various Hot Wheels cars up and down my legs, accidentally brush my bare skin with your hand and shout “PRINKLEY!”, then recoil in horror as if my leg stubble cut off several of your digits. You react exactly the same way as your dad does. Can’t a bitch take a couple days off from landscaping?! Sheesh.